This week I sat down and went through my more spamiferous email accounts and the pending comments for this site (I generally do this once a week). On this site there were 189 spam messages. Of which, 28 were caught by the spam filter. In each of the two yahoo accounts I still have left over from ages ago and which are only REALLY used by distant family members, I had a total of 212 spam messages.

Let’s do some basic math here, shall we. Three accounts. 401 spam messages among them.

While I have to admit that this week’s load for the site was heavier than usual (I have no idea why – usually it’s about half what it was this week), the yahoo accounts are about average.

And you’d think, what with over 400 spam messages, that I’d see some variety. But there isn’t. As far as I can tell, we (and I) get spam in one of four varieties. The first category is pRon. Sex tapes for any celebrity you can think of (and, btw, this just tells me one should never, ever make tapes of oneself having sex if you don’t want it plastered all over the internet), anime, kinks, toys, you name it, if it has to do with porn, there’s spam.

Intersecting with that, but by no means totally overlapping it, is the second category of spam: drugs. These seem to be mainly either erectile dysfunction or depression drugs (I suspect these two might be related), but occasionally you’ll get cholesterol drugs or something else just to add some variety to your druggy spam.

The third category I see is designer (knockoff) accessories. Handbags for the most part, but occasionally jewelry/watches. Evidently while hubby is searching out his awesome deal on Viagra and whacking to porn (because the porn is nearly universally guy porn – not much girl porn included in the spam I see), I’m supposed to be spending our hard-earned cash (and credit!) on bad designer knockoffs.

Which brings us to the fourth category- one which I suspect is predicated on us all falling victim to the first three categories – the money spam. This comes in two varieties. The first is the enabling variety – cheap loans! bad credit? no problem!  The second is the “helpful” variety – get out of debt, buy a better credit score, that sort of thing. And you know none of these guys is listed with the BBB.

So, you know what I want? I want something a little different from my spam. I want something that surprises me, something that doesn’t make me yawn and say “Oh. Another free loan for free Viagra with free sex toy and purse offer. Yawn.”

You know what I want? Spam I can use. Send me spam on how to pick a summer camp for my Munchkin. That I can use.