Chicks-n-Scratching

Archive for the ‘humor’ Category

My husband clued me in to the newest air safety message from Air New Zealand. It is AWESOME. Enjoy.

Okay, I couldn’t resist the alliteration. But I also had to share this video that was linked to me by a friend on twitter (yo, count_01!). It’s funny, it’s empowering, and it is just awesome. Enjoy!

Go on, now. Maybe not exactly safe for work, but… be brave!

Love and kisses,

Neith

13 texts from the site Texts from Last Night because no matter how bad my day is, these make me smile. I was boring in College. I worked. And how do these people not have alcohol poisoning?

(619):  Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said “I want soup” got off my dick and make top ramen.
(973): Quick question… Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
(513): the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
(847): Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say “oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago”
(774): Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands.
(205): I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
(443): There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
(856): Honestly, I don’t care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
(936): He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex….he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn’t even know
(515): you had “tips for anal sex” in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
(410): She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn’t find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
(408): if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
(604): when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.

Not that Goofy. The other kind, silly, cutting up, hanging loose and just being… stupid.

13 things that make me laugh or in some way tickle my silly bone.

BUFFY meets Edward

Vampires suck

STAR TREK as you’ve never seen it

I had waaaaaaaaaay too much fun on Twitter last night not to share some of my favorites today. The hashtag is my creation because my brain was melting and I needed to laugh. The idea is stuff that would automatically be rejected by an editor or agent in a romance novel.

I got silly. Then more people joined in! So here are some of my favorites. If they are not accredited with a @, then *I* said it.

1- If your hero announces “RELEASE THE KRAKEN” and drops his pants #AutoRejection

2- If your heroine screams her brother’s name in bed #AutoRejection

3- The word TALLYWACKER #AutoRejection

4- @jodie_who: When the ‘secret baby/pregnancy’ is a secret to the heroine as well. #AutoRejection

5- If your hero ever utters the words “You’re tighter than a sheep” #AutoRejection

6- @ginnyglass: If the marriage of convenience involves a bride or groom that is inflatable #AutoRejection

7- @jodie_who: When the hero expects the heroine to get along with his sex doll. When a hero HAS a sex doll #AutoRejection

8- If the hero sparkles and runs faster than lightning… oh wait, nevermind #AutoRejection

9- @WendySparrow: If the enviable long silky mustache is on your heroine…. #AutoRejection

10- @ginnyglass: If your makeover scenes involve labia reduction surgery, please dear God #AutoRejection

11- @VivianArend: If the heroine’s 5 o’clock shadow is heavier than the heroes #AutoRejection

12- @katiebabs: If the hero wants the heroine to meet his son and it’s a sock puppet name Norm #autorejection

13- @ginnyglass: When the third in your menage is the hero’s ventriloquist dummy #AutoRejection

BONUS!  Because these are too good to miss…

@jodie_who: The fact the hero NAMES his penis. #AutoRejection

If your shifter is a dog and licks his own balls #AutoRejection

@katiebabs: When the hero breaks out the penis pump during the first sex scene #autorejection

@EbonyMcKenna: “dear sir/madam agent. I wrote this vampire fiction-novel in my own blood..” #autorejection

@ginnyglass: if tattoo’d above the hero’s belt line – “caution: choking hazard” or “may contain nuts” #AutoRejection

If each member of your menage is a different gender #autorejection

Got to love twitter when you are brain fried!

I sat down last night to fiddle with some notes for a menage I’m planning to write. I know I wanted a sci-fi treasure hunt theme. I had no idea the background of this story or really much about any of the characters, except the names I’d given them during a previous and very abreviated session. Now, let me pre-empt this tale by saying that I’m trying out a new writing program yWriter5. Last night was really the first time I’ve used it in great detail to actually write a scene. I think I like it. I feel very much like I’m doing free writing and not bogged down by what it looks like on the screen. I also have to be aware of my own spelling gaffs, since I haven’t downloaded the spellchecker on it yet.

But I digress.

Anyhoo, as I’m writing the “ideas” section,  just letting my mind unfold and doing some free writing in the program, I came upon this beautiful myth unfolding about this civilzation that may or may not share common ancestry with the ancient Egyptians. (I say this because the myth I came up with pretty much sounds like it could have come from the Nile region.) – Though, I doubt very much I’ll even mention Earth or the Egyptians in this story.  But the entire time I’m writing this background legend, I’m amazing myself with my storytelling abilities. I looked around the living room (I was on my netbook at the time) to see if any antennea or microwaves were feeding me information from some alternate universe. No. I was alone save my dog whose only mission in life at that moment was to lick her butt.

I knew then that this story is going to kick some major arse.

Then I started writing the first scene in a shady bar room in a shit side of the galaxy, and what comes out is kind of quirky and funny. I like what I have so far, but it’s not the sensuous read I thought it would be. At least not yet. But I like it. I like the way it flows and the outragous characters that inhabit this little corner of the story. And I especially like my smart ass heroine who has totally taken over the scene like she’s Buckaroo Banzi with tits.

So, even though this might not fit the publisher it was meant for originally. I think it will be a very good story when it’s completed. It might not even make it into a menage if the heroine doesn’t want it to. I think I’ll be taking cues from her on this one. She seems pretty competent and smart, and she’s hell with a cyber-blade.

-Kate

First off, until the next comment is added, there have been 666 approved messages on this blog. *gulp*  Does that say something or what?

Okay, moving on…

I despise SPAM and it makes no sense to me whatsoever. We chicks write about a lot of varied things so it is hard to tell what word we might choose in a specific place but whatever it is, it must trip some SPAMbot’s trigger because we get some weird-assed SPAM here. So for my Thursday 13… SPAM!

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13- Okay, really, we write romance novels. Romance heroes DO NOT  need viagra.

Some time ago, I really needed to buy a good house for my organization but I didn’t have enough cash and could not buy anything. Thank heaven my fellow suggested to take the mortgage loans at reliable bank. Therefore, I did so and used to be happy with my financial loan.

12 – I am happy for you AmandaMortgage, I really am. Now go away.

?????? ?? ??????

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11- uhm.. okay then

Greatings, ,

Gracias – Worker

10- Nice try, Worker. The email of a free porn site adds mucho credibility to your post and what a kreaytive speller!

okey but i’m lost hahah just how? do u achieve so many mobsters since i just have 4 ( including my mafia! ) plus i doubt im planning to achieve higher addtionally i’m level nineteen plus gaining greater thus precisely how do i increase my mafia members quick at such a low lvl Or is this a bad website to question?

9- Which chick used the words FACEBOOK and attracted that loser?

I can see that you are an expert at your field! I am launching a website soon, and your information will be very useful for me.. Thanks for all your help and wishing you all the success.

8- Thanks for the compliment Goldwizard. I expect to see shared royalties, got it?

I apologise, but, in my opinion, you commit an error. I can prove it.

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I apologise, but, in my opinion, you are not right. I am assured. Write to me in PM, we will discuss.

7- riiiiiiiiiight I will jump on THAT offer to PM you, idiot.

I don’t know if we each have a destiny, or if we’re all just floating around accidentally?like on a breeze.

6- *headpat* It’s alright, Forrest. Nice credit check link in the email too.

Lost was initially such a good tv show, nothing else on the telly actually comes close.

5- Never saw it but thank so much onlinetv for stopping by!

Howdy, your site is on air in the radio! Good job mate. Your posts are truly great and bookmarked. Regards

4- best regards to YOU healthyandskinnyproducts! Now move along.

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3- I am trying to figure out what amateur radio has to do with porn… it escapes me

Did you hear the one about the farmer and the priest? email me!

2- Did you hear the one about the asshole sent to the trash file?

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1- geeee, just what I always wanted!

*delete forever*

At least until tomorrow. Tune in soon for another rousing edition of NAME THAT SPAM!!

Until then… mancandy!

He’s saying SPAM GIVES ME A HEADACHE!

Greetings, chicks readers! It’s been forever. I have been abuzz with activity lately. From a lengthy bout of company descending on the Glass household to the bustle of real life GROAN-up jobs to the flurry of activity surrounding the Carina Press launch and the publication of two books, I have been a bouncing Gin! Whew. Add laundry (not the fun/dirty kind – that comes later), a batdog that chewed a hole in the door of a hotel room last weekend (if she wasn’t so cute, I would have murdered her), a few rounds of unplanned car repair and various and sundry other small catastrophes, let’s just say I am a pooped little writer.

I have also been neglecting all of my lovely chickies. Let’s catch up and remember that though I’m the one typing these words, the other ladies here are VASTLY talented and need some of your love!

Neith – http://scorchedsheets.com/elise-logan/
‘Nez – http://inezkelley.com/
Kate – http://www.mystickat.com/

Go check them out and find out what they are up to in the world of writing. And buy something, won’t'cha?

Me? I have a little book coming out in THREE DAYS called “Coin Operated”!

Here’s the blurb:

When Elijah Elliot leaves a cushy job at a prestigious Atlanta advertising firm to strike out on his own, he recruits co-worker Beatrix London as his business partner. She’s smart, capable and, turns out, mouth-wateringly tempting. Now Eli has to keep his hands to himself, despite the very vivid daydreams he has involving his deliciously attentive associate. Daydreams that involve less administrative duties and more “yes, sirs” – less clothing and much more personal “activity reports”.

Bea’s attention to detail has only part to do with her work ethic. From the moment she first laid eyes on Elijah, Bea has had some pretty lathered-up fantasies about her brooding coworker. When a racy new advertising campaign sparks a test of their boundaries, Bea pushes Eli to cross the line he’s drawn between them – the one that keeps him from doing all the hot, sinful things she imagines he’s capable of.

A kiss that could ignite a cubicle’s carpet leaves Bea wanting more than Eli is willing to give. Eli’s reticence isn’t strictly an objection to a little office hanky-panky; his desire for Bea runs to the darker side of vanilla, and the gentleman in him just can’t seem to embrace the inner beast. But during a sexy showdown in a laundry room, everything comes out in the wash– hot, steamy and coin operated!

Carina launch is just around the corner. I will be appearing all over hell for interviews, I have several reviews out or upcoming and while you’re at my website, why don’t you enjoy a top-secret, super-hidden excerpt from Coin Operated?

No, not a secret baby, don’t start rumors.

Even better news, the cover for the second installment in the “Dirty Laundry” series,”Talk Dirty To Me”, cowritten by myself and the fanfreakingtastic Inez Kelley, will be out in July! Want to see the cover? Of course you do!

The blurb, you ask? I shall provide:

“Tell me what you want. Talk dirty to me.”

So, I promised something non-political this week. That’s hard, but I did promise. And I thought about doing spam again, mostly because I just cleaned 493 spam messages out of the inbox (and while I wish I was making that number up, I’m not). But we’ve done that.

So we’re doing something fun. You all get to WTF me.

I’m working on a WIP I’m calling, rather tongue-in-cheek, the mystery-were. It received this name because I’m not telling people what the beastie part of my were is. There are.. um.. aside from me, 4 people who know. I brainstormed the idea with two of them, and ran the first couple of thousand words through one of them. The fourth one is my BFF, so she knows eeeeeverything.

Anyway, here’s the deal. Willem, my were-dude, is Dutch. He was marooned on the Australia coast in the mid 1600s (no, really. I have back story and research that explains this. I DO.). In any case, he runs afoul of the locals and gets himself cursed into a were.

So here’s where it gets fun – guess. Guess what my mystery-were is. I will give you a hint – it isn’t anything inanimate (at one point, were-boomerang or were-Ayers-Rock were suggested). So, knowing that it is an actual beastie, and not something inanimate, what do you think my mystery-were is?

Who knows, I might even tell you if you guess correctly.

Nah.

Yes, I did.

I was on the elevator going home this morning after a semi-long shift and two people got on with me. Not on my floor, but as I’m in descent down the elevator shaft toward the D level.  On the 1st floor, a doctor got on and hits the D button. Um…you might have an MD, but you must not have noticed I had already pushed the button. (None of that was said out loud, only in my head – along with this) – Or is it because of your MD, you think I wasn’t qualified to push the D level button correctly?

The elevator stopped on A. A resident got on. Pushed the D button. (Which is still lit by the way!) And we start on our way down to the D level without further interruption. However, all the while in my head I’m hearing my inner monologe screaming, “Did you really have to hit that damn button again? It was already lit, jackass. It doesn’t make it more offical just because you hit it.”  – In elevators it only takes one time to hit the button to get to your floor. If you get on an elevator and the button is lit, it releaves you of the duty of having to hit it yourself. Score!  Leave it be. That poor little button didn’t do anything to you. Stop poking it. What do you think it is, a scab? Leave off.

Sheesh.

Sorry. It just had to be said. You may all return to your regularly scheduled day.

-Kate