Chicks-n-Scratching

Archive for the ‘humor’ Category

Not that Goofy. The other kind, silly, cutting up, hanging loose and just being… stupid.

13 things that make me laugh or in some way tickle my silly bone.

BUFFY meets Edward

Vampires suck

STAR TREK as you’ve never seen it

I had waaaaaaaaaay too much fun on Twitter last night not to share some of my favorites today. The hashtag is my creation because my brain was melting and I needed to laugh. The idea is stuff that would automatically be rejected by an editor or agent in a romance novel.

I got silly. Then more people joined in! So here are some of my favorites. If they are not accredited with a @, then *I* said it.

1- If your hero announces “RELEASE THE KRAKEN” and drops his pants #AutoRejection

2- If your heroine screams her brother’s name in bed #AutoRejection

3- The word TALLYWACKER #AutoRejection

4- @jodie_who: When the ‘secret baby/pregnancy’ is a secret to the heroine as well. #AutoRejection

5- If your hero ever utters the words “You’re tighter than a sheep” #AutoRejection

6- @ginnyglass: If the marriage of convenience involves a bride or groom that is inflatable #AutoRejection

7- @jodie_who: When the hero expects the heroine to get along with his sex doll. When a hero HAS a sex doll #AutoRejection

8- If the hero sparkles and runs faster than lightning… oh wait, nevermind #AutoRejection

9- @WendySparrow: If the enviable long silky mustache is on your heroine…. #AutoRejection

10- @ginnyglass: If your makeover scenes involve labia reduction surgery, please dear God #AutoRejection

11- @VivianArend: If the heroine’s 5 o’clock shadow is heavier than the heroes #AutoRejection

12- @katiebabs: If the hero wants the heroine to meet his son and it’s a sock puppet name Norm #autorejection

13- @ginnyglass: When the third in your menage is the hero’s ventriloquist dummy #AutoRejection

BONUS!  Because these are too good to miss…

@jodie_who: The fact the hero NAMES his penis. #AutoRejection

If your shifter is a dog and licks his own balls #AutoRejection

@katiebabs: When the hero breaks out the penis pump during the first sex scene #autorejection

@EbonyMcKenna: “dear sir/madam agent. I wrote this vampire fiction-novel in my own blood..” #autorejection

@ginnyglass: if tattoo’d above the hero’s belt line – “caution: choking hazard” or “may contain nuts” #AutoRejection

If each member of your menage is a different gender #autorejection

Got to love twitter when you are brain fried!

I sat down last night to fiddle with some notes for a menage I’m planning to write. I know I wanted a sci-fi treasure hunt theme. I had no idea the background of this story or really much about any of the characters, except the names I’d given them during a previous and very abreviated session. Now, let me pre-empt this tale by saying that I’m trying out a new writing program yWriter5. Last night was really the first time I’ve used it in great detail to actually write a scene. I think I like it. I feel very much like I’m doing free writing and not bogged down by what it looks like on the screen. I also have to be aware of my own spelling gaffs, since I haven’t downloaded the spellchecker on it yet.

But I digress.

Anyhoo, as I’m writing the “ideas” section,  just letting my mind unfold and doing some free writing in the program, I came upon this beautiful myth unfolding about this civilzation that may or may not share common ancestry with the ancient Egyptians. (I say this because the myth I came up with pretty much sounds like it could have come from the Nile region.) – Though, I doubt very much I’ll even mention Earth or the Egyptians in this story.  But the entire time I’m writing this background legend, I’m amazing myself with my storytelling abilities. I looked around the living room (I was on my netbook at the time) to see if any antennea or microwaves were feeding me information from some alternate universe. No. I was alone save my dog whose only mission in life at that moment was to lick her butt.

I knew then that this story is going to kick some major arse.

Then I started writing the first scene in a shady bar room in a shit side of the galaxy, and what comes out is kind of quirky and funny. I like what I have so far, but it’s not the sensuous read I thought it would be. At least not yet. But I like it. I like the way it flows and the outragous characters that inhabit this little corner of the story. And I especially like my smart ass heroine who has totally taken over the scene like she’s Buckaroo Banzi with tits.

So, even though this might not fit the publisher it was meant for originally. I think it will be a very good story when it’s completed. It might not even make it into a menage if the heroine doesn’t want it to. I think I’ll be taking cues from her on this one. She seems pretty competent and smart, and she’s hell with a cyber-blade.

-Kate

First off, until the next comment is added, there have been 666 approved messages on this blog. *gulp*  Does that say something or what?

Okay, moving on…

I despise SPAM and it makes no sense to me whatsoever. We chicks write about a lot of varied things so it is hard to tell what word we might choose in a specific place but whatever it is, it must trip some SPAMbot’s trigger because we get some weird-assed SPAM here. So for my Thursday 13… SPAM!

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13- Okay, really, we write romance novels. Romance heroes DO NOT  need viagra.

Some time ago, I really needed to buy a good house for my organization but I didn’t have enough cash and could not buy anything. Thank heaven my fellow suggested to take the mortgage loans at reliable bank. Therefore, I did so and used to be happy with my financial loan.

12 – I am happy for you AmandaMortgage, I really am. Now go away.

?????? ?? ??????

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11- uhm.. okay then

Greatings, ,

Gracias – Worker

10- Nice try, Worker. The email of a free porn site adds mucho credibility to your post and what a kreaytive speller!

okey but i’m lost hahah just how? do u achieve so many mobsters since i just have 4 ( including my mafia! ) plus i doubt im planning to achieve higher addtionally i’m level nineteen plus gaining greater thus precisely how do i increase my mafia members quick at such a low lvl Or is this a bad website to question?

9- Which chick used the words FACEBOOK and attracted that loser?

I can see that you are an expert at your field! I am launching a website soon, and your information will be very useful for me.. Thanks for all your help and wishing you all the success.

8- Thanks for the compliment Goldwizard. I expect to see shared royalties, got it?

I apologise, but, in my opinion, you commit an error. I can prove it.

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I apologise, but, in my opinion, you are not right. I am assured. Write to me in PM, we will discuss.

7- riiiiiiiiiight I will jump on THAT offer to PM you, idiot.

I don’t know if we each have a destiny, or if we’re all just floating around accidentally?like on a breeze.

6- *headpat* It’s alright, Forrest. Nice credit check link in the email too.

Lost was initially such a good tv show, nothing else on the telly actually comes close.

5- Never saw it but thank so much onlinetv for stopping by!

Howdy, your site is on air in the radio! Good job mate. Your posts are truly great and bookmarked. Regards

4- best regards to YOU healthyandskinnyproducts! Now move along.

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3- I am trying to figure out what amateur radio has to do with porn… it escapes me

Did you hear the one about the farmer and the priest? email me!

2- Did you hear the one about the asshole sent to the trash file?

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1- geeee, just what I always wanted!

*delete forever*

At least until tomorrow. Tune in soon for another rousing edition of NAME THAT SPAM!!

Until then… mancandy!

He’s saying SPAM GIVES ME A HEADACHE!

Greetings, chicks readers! It’s been forever. I have been abuzz with activity lately. From a lengthy bout of company descending on the Glass household to the bustle of real life GROAN-up jobs to the flurry of activity surrounding the Carina Press launch and the publication of two books, I have been a bouncing Gin! Whew. Add laundry (not the fun/dirty kind – that comes later), a batdog that chewed a hole in the door of a hotel room last weekend (if she wasn’t so cute, I would have murdered her), a few rounds of unplanned car repair and various and sundry other small catastrophes, let’s just say I am a pooped little writer.

I have also been neglecting all of my lovely chickies. Let’s catch up and remember that though I’m the one typing these words, the other ladies here are VASTLY talented and need some of your love!

Neith – http://scorchedsheets.com/elise-logan/
‘Nez – http://inezkelley.com/
Kate – http://www.mystickat.com/

Go check them out and find out what they are up to in the world of writing. And buy something, won’t'cha?

Me? I have a little book coming out in THREE DAYS called “Coin Operated”!

Here’s the blurb:

When Elijah Elliot leaves a cushy job at a prestigious Atlanta advertising firm to strike out on his own, he recruits co-worker Beatrix London as his business partner. She’s smart, capable and, turns out, mouth-wateringly tempting. Now Eli has to keep his hands to himself, despite the very vivid daydreams he has involving his deliciously attentive associate. Daydreams that involve less administrative duties and more “yes, sirs” – less clothing and much more personal “activity reports”.

Bea’s attention to detail has only part to do with her work ethic. From the moment she first laid eyes on Elijah, Bea has had some pretty lathered-up fantasies about her brooding coworker. When a racy new advertising campaign sparks a test of their boundaries, Bea pushes Eli to cross the line he’s drawn between them – the one that keeps him from doing all the hot, sinful things she imagines he’s capable of.

A kiss that could ignite a cubicle’s carpet leaves Bea wanting more than Eli is willing to give. Eli’s reticence isn’t strictly an objection to a little office hanky-panky; his desire for Bea runs to the darker side of vanilla, and the gentleman in him just can’t seem to embrace the inner beast. But during a sexy showdown in a laundry room, everything comes out in the wash– hot, steamy and coin operated!

Carina launch is just around the corner. I will be appearing all over hell for interviews, I have several reviews out or upcoming and while you’re at my website, why don’t you enjoy a top-secret, super-hidden excerpt from Coin Operated?

No, not a secret baby, don’t start rumors.

Even better news, the cover for the second installment in the “Dirty Laundry” series,”Talk Dirty To Me”, cowritten by myself and the fanfreakingtastic Inez Kelley, will be out in July! Want to see the cover? Of course you do!

The blurb, you ask? I shall provide:

“Tell me what you want. Talk dirty to me.”

So, I promised something non-political this week. That’s hard, but I did promise. And I thought about doing spam again, mostly because I just cleaned 493 spam messages out of the inbox (and while I wish I was making that number up, I’m not). But we’ve done that.

So we’re doing something fun. You all get to WTF me.

I’m working on a WIP I’m calling, rather tongue-in-cheek, the mystery-were. It received this name because I’m not telling people what the beastie part of my were is. There are.. um.. aside from me, 4 people who know. I brainstormed the idea with two of them, and ran the first couple of thousand words through one of them. The fourth one is my BFF, so she knows eeeeeverything.

Anyway, here’s the deal. Willem, my were-dude, is Dutch. He was marooned on the Australia coast in the mid 1600s (no, really. I have back story and research that explains this. I DO.). In any case, he runs afoul of the locals and gets himself cursed into a were.

So here’s where it gets fun – guess. Guess what my mystery-were is. I will give you a hint – it isn’t anything inanimate (at one point, were-boomerang or were-Ayers-Rock were suggested). So, knowing that it is an actual beastie, and not something inanimate, what do you think my mystery-were is?

Who knows, I might even tell you if you guess correctly.

Nah.

Yes, I did.

I was on the elevator going home this morning after a semi-long shift and two people got on with me. Not on my floor, but as I’m in descent down the elevator shaft toward the D level.  On the 1st floor, a doctor got on and hits the D button. Um…you might have an MD, but you must not have noticed I had already pushed the button. (None of that was said out loud, only in my head – along with this) – Or is it because of your MD, you think I wasn’t qualified to push the D level button correctly?

The elevator stopped on A. A resident got on. Pushed the D button. (Which is still lit by the way!) And we start on our way down to the D level without further interruption. However, all the while in my head I’m hearing my inner monologe screaming, “Did you really have to hit that damn button again? It was already lit, jackass. It doesn’t make it more offical just because you hit it.”  – In elevators it only takes one time to hit the button to get to your floor. If you get on an elevator and the button is lit, it releaves you of the duty of having to hit it yourself. Score!  Leave it be. That poor little button didn’t do anything to you. Stop poking it. What do you think it is, a scab? Leave off.

Sheesh.

Sorry. It just had to be said. You may all return to your regularly scheduled day.

-Kate

My romantic comedy JINXED has 13 chapters. This is the only story I have written that asked for more than just chapter numbers. It wanted ‘quote’ headers that capsulized the mood of each chapter. In a way, it tells the story’s progression, gives insights as to what is happening in the story arc.

I share them with you.

Chapter One
“…direct from out of the wasteland! He’s bad, he’s beautiful, he’s crazy!
It’s… It’s the man with no name!”
—Dr. Dealgood in Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome

Chapter Two
“Suddenly he stops. He looks up. For, lo, there she stands. The girl of his dreams. Who she is or whence she came, he knows not, nor does he care for his heart tells him that here, here is the maid predestined to be his bride.”
—Grand Duke in Cinderella

Chapter Three
“You don’t love a woman because she is beautiful,
she is beautiful because you love her.”
—Anonymous

Chapter Four
“He’s strong, he’s kind. He’s always there for you, and he’s handsome to boot.
He’s perfect. Perfect. Perfectly infuriating! He makes me crazy.”
—Hades in Kingdom Hearts

Chapter Five
“Soul meets soul on lovers’ lips.”
—Percy Bysshe Shelley

Chapter Six
“Unless it’s mad, passionate, extraordinary love, it’s a waste of your time.
There are too many mediocre things in life; love shouldn’t be one of them.”
—Frankie in Dream for an Insomniac

Chapter Seven
“It’s a secret wanting. Like a song I can’t stop humming.
Or loving someone you can never have.”
—Janet Fitch, White Oleander

Chapter Eight
“You’re only given a little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it.”
—Robin Williams

Chapter Nine
“Love is passion. Obsession. Someone you can’t live without.
Someone you fall head over heels for.
Find someone you can love like crazy, and will love you the same way back.
Listen to your heart. No sense in life without this.”
—William Parrish in Meet Joe Black

Chapter Ten
“I used to believe in forever, but forever is too good to be true.”
—A.A. Milne, Winnie the Pooh,

Chapter Eleven
“I was born when she kissed me.
I died when she left me.
I lived a few weeks while she loved me.”
—Dixon Steele in In A Lonely Place

Chapter Twelve
“Once in a while, right in the middle of an ordinary life,
Love gives us a fairy tale.”
—Anonymous

Chapter Thirteen
“How shall I do to love? Believe.
How shall I do to believe? Love.”
—Archbishop Robert Leighton
BONUS!!

Epilogue
“But in spite their differences, they had one important thing in common.
They were crazy about each other.”
—Duke in The Notebook

*sigh*

I do love a happy ending. JINXED is available now in ebook and will be available April 1, 2010 in print.

When opposites attract, they are screwed three ways from Sunday.

Frannie learned the hard way that a McHottie doesn’t always equal marriage material. Besides, she’s happy with her vanilla life. She has friends, a career and a double-D-powered vibrator. Then Fate shoves her, literally, into Prince Charming’s lap. His declaration of love at first sight is cute—and spikes her bullcrap meter into the red zone.

She’s more than willing to give in with her body. But she’s barricaded her heart behind castle walls—and permanently welded the gates shut.

Tragedy taught Jinx that time is too precious to waste, so when a series of uncanny coincidences thrusts Frannie into his life, he holds on tight. He knows she thinks he’s several fries short of a Happy Meal, but he’s determined to breach the fortress around her heart and give her a Happily Ever After.

Even if he has to carry her fanny-first into his kingdom.

WARNING: Includes jelly shoes, a narcoleptic cat, and meatloaf. The steamy sex scenes may lead to fogged windows and wet panties, so proceed at your own risk. Do not attempt to read without the following items: tissues, napkins for spewed beverages, and a booty call on speed dial.

I have a mess and a half to clean up today. Majorly.

Backstory. I knew my children had a two hour delay due to weather that threatened to turn into a cancellation. The threat was a good one, I figured they would be home since our school system freaks over a chilly fart in the wind. So they had spent a long time building this elaborate play area where pirate ships attacked a Lego village and set fire to things. The fire department would then have to work at rescuing everyone. (One kid is into pirates, the other firefighters, can you tell?)

Rather than dismantle it, I left it alone assuming they would get up and resume playing. With me so far? Yeah? Good.

I have been battling this insomnia thing that is frankly kicking my ass. I took a little something to help me sleep and went to bed at the ungodly early hour of 11PM. Lights out, that’s all she wrote. zzzzzzzz

*CRASH!*

I heard it but through my drugged fog, didn’t care. I figured if it was something dangerous, the smoke alarm would go off. Back to dream land I go.

This morning I wake to discover a fucking bomb went off in my kitchen.(Explanation, my kitchen dining room were open/attached but I converted the dining portion to an office area.)

This is the story relayed to me by my husband who was sleeping on the couch for other marital reasons…

In the wee hours, our Christmas gift kitten, named FELON, is an instigator to trouble. He pounced on the older cat who acted as if he were mortally wounded and went streaking into the kitchen. Hubby followed half asleep to investigate. He tripped over a pirate ship, fell into a ladder truck and against my 7 foot fully stocked bookshelf.

Now, I had a lot more than books on that shelf. I had a few hundred books but also a couple baskets of junk, a nice display of my collectible tins, etc. Said bookshelf teetered and tottered before falling, taking with it everything in its path, namely the Lego village, a second matching 7 foot book shelf and the lamp. Shit flew everywhere, hitting my desk, pushing a bunch of stuff to the ground, littering the floor, breaking glass, etc. My CD collection skated across the floor like drunks on ice, my printer is in two pieces and my computer went for a trip form the middle of the desk to the left.

Hubby picked up the aforementioned FELON, threw cat in the kids’ room and shut the door and went back to sleep. I awoke to writer/mother Armageddon in my office area.

I am not a happy author. Nor mother. Nor cat owner. Nor wife for that matter. I have spent two hours already cleaning up broken stuff and gathering little dangerous things like push pins and thumbtacks and what was a beautiful candy jar. Paper clips and pens and all sorts of desk paraphernalia. All mixed in with pirates, firefighters, legos and matchbox cars.

Luckily, my computer only slid and suffered no damage or I could have ended up in jail for feline/hubby murder.

So no writing today, I am restocking the shelves and rearranging furniture to avoid anything like this in the future.With the entire family under foot. Joy.

Here are some of my favorite quotes by her.

1- “I was going to have inner peace if I had to break a few heads to do it.”

2- It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.

3- “It is fast approaching the point where I don’t want to elect anyone stupid enough to want the job.”

4- There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

5- When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, “I used everything you gave me”.

6- “There are people who put their dreams in a little box and say, “Yes, I’ve got dreams, of course I’ve got dreams.” Then they put the box away and bring it out once in awhile to look in it, and yep, they’re still there.”

7- “Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the ‘Titanic’ who waved off the dessert cart.”

8- Don’t confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.

9- I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security, and too tired for an affair.

10- Oh, quit being such a Pollyanna.

11- Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.

12- “If you can’t make it better, you can laugh at it.”

13- “I’ve decided life is too fragile to finish a book I dislike just because it cost $16.95 and everyone else loved it. Or eat a fried egg with a broken yolk (which I hate) when the dog would leap over the St. Louis Arch for it.”